What Cannot Be Undone
by wallowinthehallow
Summary: READ AND REVIEW PLEASE! A different look at Jess and Rory. Jess starts to figure out where he went wrong, by looking at where they have been over the years...will taking a hard look at the road he took be enough to make things right and get her back?
1. Chapter 1

What Cannot Be Undone

**Part One: And So We Began.**

No, the answer is no. That is if the question is weather or not I ever thought that this would be where I was today. Or perhaps the question is deeper, did I know that this would happen? Did I understand what I was doing? I don't think I did. Some may disagree but won't someone always? Not everyone will be on your side all of the time, even your best friends eventually have to weigh the pros and cons, and the- what- went- wrongs and the where- are- we- nows. Every now and then there are certain things that cannot be undone. Some things aren't meant to be. Some endings aren't happy, and sometimes people hurt other people, even when they don't mean to.

We aren't living a fairy tale. No one is perfect; to be without fault is to be filled with fault so either way you are screwed. The wall is tall, the trench is wide, the wound is deep, there may be no way over, across, or to heal this time. Maybe that is for the best. Too many times people have so many last chances they don't appreciate them, they don't try to change, and they stay the same and wait to ask for one more last chance.

No this time, this is it. I have had my final last chance, and I blew it. I am not surprised it is pretty par for the course. At this point in my life I think that I should know better, but am growing more convinced that you can't teach old dogs new tricks. Perhaps, I will never be the perfectly pooch to sit loyally at ones side and hang on every word. Maybe I am the bad dog that chews on shoes, and tears up furniture. The proverbial Bull in the china closet as it were.

She had every right to tell me to leave. And I had no right to beg her to stay. I guess, to tell you what happened I have to start at the beginning. It wasn't my choice to even go to Stars Hollow, Connecticut. I was 17 and apparently out of control even now for some reason I don't want to admit it. I want to write my actions off as a misread youth, a mostly good kid, misunderstood and misguided. It wasn't Lizzy's fault she did what she could and what she knew. Unfortunately with her mom passing when she was so young Liz didn't learn the subtleties of parenthood. There were no limits, no rules, and eventually that kind of environment made a kid lash out, just to make sure he was noticed. That's my story and I am sticking to it. Imagine my surprise when after an incident with a hot wired car and a joy ride that lasted two days she had my bags packed and on the next bus to live with my Uncle whom, I barely knew.

Luke, what can I say about my Uncle Luke. He is a good man, a kind man and a patient man. He is loyal and trustworthy, gentle and strong. He is the kind of man that women love, to have as a friend. Rough around the edges, but he really fooled no one. I hated him the moment I stepped off that bus, but I would have hated anyone that showed up that day. Even if he had stood in front of me wearing a Metallica T-shirt smoking a cigarette and offering me a beer, I would have hated him. That was were I was at the time, I couldn't see past my anger.

I found his attempt at parenthood almost as laughable as Lizzys, he was uncomfortable in his newly given roll. Granted I didn't make it easier on him by keeping our initial conversations to a three word maximum. I could sense his uneasiness and I fed off it and used it to my advantage. It also worked out for me that Luke was fascinated with and totally enamored by one Lorelai Gilmore. Mother of the reason you and I are having this talk.

The first time I saw her she was sitting in her room, doing homework at her laptop looking like someone out of a perfect child catalogue. I wasn't sure what to make of it, no one could really be that perfect could they? So I tested her with the good 'ol let's-get-the-hell-out-of-here routine. Her true colors came shining through. She wouldn't have anything to do with my plan yet she didn't react in the way I would have suspected either. The truest of the true goodie-goodies would have ratted me and my evil plan out, planted that seed of distrust in every ones mind before I had a chance to do it myself. Rather, she choose to just give me the con side of her always present pro/con list. It seemed that with every thought that Rory had there was a list to go with it. She was well read, educated and just plain smarter than an girl I had ever laid eyes on. I wondered to myself how long it would be before the pro and con list she would make for me would start to compile.

It didn't turn out to be that long.

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Do I have something here? Lemme know.


	2. Chapter 2

**Part Two: Different Places**

My phone rang this morning at 8:00 a.m. I knew it was her before I picked up the phone. She was already heavily into her daily routine by now, and she had to know I was still in bed. She wanted to know if I was done with the book she loaned me, to be honest I hadn't even started it. I knew that if she wanted it though it would mean she would have to come get it, so I told her I was. She took the wind out of my sails when she told me without missing a step that she would send her assistant to get it, she had far too many deadlines to meet today.

I wonder if she and I had a deadline. In her mind was I to shape up by the day she moved out, or that was what happened? If so, why wasn't I privy to my own deadline? I guess it is all in the way you look at things. The way she saw it, it had been coming, she had a deadline. Where as in my view, things weren't perfect but we were no where near break-up. When you are wrong, you are wrong. And I suppose I was dead wrong.

By 10:00 a.m. there was a knock at the door, I opened it with the book in hand ready to hand it off to which ever office page she had sent to my doorstep. To my surprise she breezed right in and past me as if I wasn't even there.

"Why hello Rory it is nice to see you too." I said. I knew I shouldn't be a jerk but, I couldn't help it I was beginning to feel as though she didn't have a single shred of kindness to put towards me. In my mind even if it didn't work between she and I, at the base of our relationship was a friendship and just because there wasn't a physical side to our attraction anymore, did that mean that the intellectual bond we shared was nullified.

"I don't have time to get into anything right now Jess." She said sounding annoyed as was usual of her tone toward me lately.

"I didn't say we needed too." I walked into my office where she was going through piles on the desk. "Can I help you find something?" I offered as sincerely as I could though I felt like I should be putting up more of a fight over my territory, after all she hadn't spent a night in our apartment in over three months.

"There was a file in here, research for a story I was going to do but Marshall cut it before it even started to come together, well he has decided now that it is a brilliant idea and wants a finished copy on his desk tomorrow." She said exasperated.

"What an ass."

"I don't have time to discuss the finer points of my editor right now okay. I need that file." I always thought she was cute when she was angry, and today was no exception a wisp of hair had found it's way out of her corporate up-do and into her face and as she brushed it back I caught a glimpse of the girl I had fallen in love with. And just as quickly with the sound of a huff to the tone of 'Why the hell are you just standing there, help me look.' I was back in the present.

"What was it on?" I said with a stretch and a yawn. The angry glare I got in response let me know that she was not going to feel bad about waking me at ten a.m. when she had been up since five.

"It was all about the AIDS relief effort in Africa. Now that everyone has already covered it he is jumping on board." She was angry, but I was relived that it didn't seem to be at me this time. It was a refreshing change to say the least.

"I think it is over there, under that copy of Catcher in the Rye." I still have no idea where that bit of knowledge found it's way out of, I hadn't spent much time in my office since she had left, it cut into my time I spent feeling sorry for myself.

As I watched the relief sweep her face as she pulled the manila folder from under the pile, I felt happy to have helped her, to make her feel better again, even if it was only for a moment and only for a file.

"Thanks." She said awkwardly standing before me, knowing that she had to run but also feeling obligation to stay and at least have a quick chat after I had saved her from certain doom.

"Get outta here, you are on a deadline." I said, knowing that any conversation we would have at that moment would only put a damper on the happy feeling she was having toward me at that moment.

"You sure?" She said, never one to be flat out rude.

"Go on. And don't forget the book; I sat it on the table by the door."

"Thanks again, you really saved my butt." She said.

"Any time." I said as she closed the door behind her I had a melancholy feeling about what had transpired.

I missed her badly. Yet, I knew she was happier without me in her life. I was glad that I could help her, but sad that that was all she needed me for.

I used to be so much more to her there was energy between us, we were magnetic, drawn to each other it was a force that neither of us could explain nor deny. I think there were many times that it would have been easier for her to not give into her feelings for me. I know that no one in that town ever really liked me and they certainly didn't trust me. What could they think when the towns favorite daughter ended up with its most notorious punk? Let's just say Mr. Doosey didn't plan a town festival for us.

No one was thrilled least of all her mother. Who could blame her though before she and I even started dating officially I was the guy who wrecked her car, when all she was doing was trying to help me not flunk out of school. Then I was the guy that she was kissed while she was still with her do-no-wrong boyfriend Dean. By anyone's standards I was a bad influence on her. I had to give it to Rory to even have the courage to walk down the street with me after we were together. Once she made her decision to be with me she was behind it 100 I wish I could say the same for me.

Don't get me wrong, I was in love with Rory then much like I am too this day, but I was naïve then, I thought that there was no way that this girl was going to be willing to stay with a punk like me once she started at a Ivy league school. Yale was the kind of place that would be teeming with well bred intellectual guys who would fit her grandparent's dreams for her nicely. In my mind, I didn't stand a chance soon the novelty of the bad boy boyfriend would wear off and I would be left in the dust. So when an opportunity arose for me to meet my father and hang out on the West coast I took the first bus I could find. And, in true Jess fashion I burned one bride down before I even built another. I may never know the pain I caused her by leaving with out telling her goodbye. Then I thought it was the only way either of us would do what we had to do, experience life without each other and do things that we had always wanted to. I didn't want to regret her ever and I feared I might never have the courage to ever get on that bus if I didn't go then. And I sure as hell didn't want to be the person that held her back from everything I knew she could be. Rory was going to go places, me…I had stalled out and gone off track.

Thanks for the feed back it is much appreciated, please I am dying to know what you think read and review.


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